My initial reaction after my formal ADHD diagnosis in early 2023 was sadness, frustration and disappointment mixed in with some relief. At least I knew what was wrong with me!
I looked back at my entire life – personal as well as professional – and saw so many missed opportunities, ruined opportunities, relationships destroyed, and starting all over countless times. Sometimes the new start was by changing companies, sometimes entire industries, and sometimes entire countries or continents. A real pattern became very clear: my impatience, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation and RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria – more about that later) had been in the driving seat.
I told a few people about my diagnosis and, being the highly sensitive, caring and passionate ADHDer that I am, I was shocked and saddened (and later angered) by their responses to my diagnosis:
‘Oh, but I can be impatient, inattentive and impulsive too – what is the big deal, just get on with it!’
‘Everyone is being diagnosed these days; ADHD seems to be the current fad.’
‘ADHD is your superpower – what is your problem?’
So I stopped talking for a little while and instead devoured books, ADHD courses and listened to weekly Addidude webinars to learn as much as I could. As I started to understand this condition – my own condition – better I also finally understood why a few particular periods in my life had been so incredibly challenging. They are all relatively easy to remember (especially if you have ADHD!) because they all begin with P:
Puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause and PMS or PMDD which is PMS on steroids (and it shows up more often than not in ADHD).
When I had been reading about boys or men who had ADHD and how it presented itself I didn’t recognise myself at all. But as I understood the female hormonal component on a deeper level – and therefore how different ADHD can look in girls and women – as well as the masking it all started to make sense.
I also started learning more about food. Before ADHD, I had eaten for health, energy and strength. But with ADHD, it added another layer of complexity and necessity. I needed to eat to boost my dopamine, to increase or stabilise my female hormones and mood and to strengthen my mind. I had a similar experience with sleep and being in nature.
As I started reading articles about ADHD on social media I was struck by the number of comments about superpowers. And I kept thinking to myself: but what is my superpower? Yes, I have strengths but so do other people. When would this so-called superpower show itself? And it turns out that not everyone has a superpower. They are normal, average people, just like you and me. And you know what? That’s ok. It’s almost as if society is only prepared to accept the more challenging sides of ADHD if it can have its opposite – a superpower. But I’ve learnt to let that go now.
The more challenging or I would call debilitating sides of ADHD are tough. Simply having to adapt to a neurotypical world on a daily basis takes its toll and I often feel like I run a marathon every single day (and by the way, I’ve run a marathon so I know exactly what that feels like and believe me when I say living with ADHD is harder, at least on some days).
Why can ADHD be so hard? Well, there are a few areas that come up for me. The two that are talked about the least are RSD as I alluded to earlier and an internal hyperarousal. Say what? I was trying to explain the latter to someone the other day and I likened it to feeling like you have a full balloon inside of you that is about to pop at any moment. It’s an internal restlessness that takes A LOT of work to tone down. Not everyone with ADHD has this but I do and I do my best to manage it by reading lots of books, journalling, exercising and spending time in nature every day, eating well, sleeping well and spending time with good friends who nourish me.
Back to RSD as this is by far the hardest part about ADHD for me although the hyperarousal is a close second. RSD means a heightened sensitivity to any form of rejection or criticism – real or perceived. The latter is important as so often with ADHD we might pick up on something that isn’t real or true but the detrimental effect on us is definitely real. Think of it as a tidal wave that comes crashing in which can send you deeper into a vortex. I can get out of RSD most days (although I can’t stop the wave from coming) but it usually involves a lot of coaching and spelling out evidence to the contrary in order to appease my mind.
So where am I at now?
Well, back in early April this year I joined ADHD Works for their training to become an ADHD coach. I felt ready to learn tools to manage some of the trickier parts of ADHD (such as impulsivity and emotional regulation). The course was great and I learnt a lot. It also threw me some curveballs and I was forced to acknowledge that I was still harbouring some resentment towards my diagnosis and the way the (neurotypical) world accepts and embraces ADHD (or not).
So I enrolled in therapy to help me process all the emotions and anger. Which has led me to firmly believe that many women (especially those who receive a late diagnosis) need therapy as well as coaching to move forward and be at peace with their ADHD and themselves. But then again, I’m only one person with ADHD so if this doesn’t resonate with you, that’s ok.
Finally, it has also helped to be able to apply for and receive support from Access to Work and I would recommend this to any ADHDer that is UK-based.
Thank you for letting me reflect and if you’ve read this far, I hope it was helpful.
If you are ready for ADHD or Mindset coaching, book in a complementary discovery call with me.
Caroline