This summer I’ve learnt a very valuable lesson: I want more softness in my life, not more hard, tough and strong.
Every mum I meet is strong, capable, competent. She can do – and is already doing – hard things.
*She’s gone through pregnancy, perhaps a really tough one full of sickness, or possibly several rounds of IVF or heart-breaking miscarriage.
*She may have completed a marathon or two during a prolonged labour, tore parts of her body, or really struggled during the postnatal period with postnatal depression or breastfeeding struggles.
*She may have not taken to motherhood or really missed her special relationship with her partner before children came along.
*She may have both longed to return to work yet already mourned the end of her maternity leave.
*She may be a single parent or recent divorcee.
Whichever category you find yourself in, you can bet that motherhood changes a woman and her life forever. It brings enormous joy, love and connection and at the same time it challenges and tests her limits in ways that no parenting course or antenatal group can prepare her for (maybe they should but that’s the topic of another blog!).
The mums I meet are forever juggling the many demands on their time and energy. Many west London mums juggle motherhood with a demanding career which can lead to too many tabs open in her head.
*Should she have applied for that promotion?
*Will her daughter notice that she’s desperate to put her to sleep so that she can crash on the sofa with a glass of wine?
*Does she still come across as competent after yet another bad night’s sleep?
*Would her neurodivergent son be better off having a stay-at-home, present mum rather than one that is trying to multitask 24/7?
*Is running her own small business the solution to all her woes?
This year the way I’d been living my life – personal, family and professional – over the past five years really caught up with me. Training for the London Marathon and doing musical theatre this past winter and spring was my form of escape. But adding busy activities to an overloaded calendar wasn’t going to work in the long-run.
Earlier this summer I was diagnosed with burn-out. I had probably been burnt-out a couple of years earlier but I kept powering on, thinking that somehow I was strong and had lots of energy so surely I could physically fight my way through any challenge or hurdle?
Well, it turns out that the body keeps score and eventually mine told me in no uncertain words to stop. And as I started to look after my body and mind better, I realised that I no longer wanted to hear that I’m strong or resilient. I realised that being strong had become my badge of honour but inside what I really craved more than anything was softness. To be met with patience and kindness, to receive a warm hug and to simply be listened to without receiving judgement or advice.
Perhaps you’re in a similar place or heading in that direction. You might be wondering how I knew it was time to change? The best way to know is to have some me-time away from all the usual demands and really tune in to what your heart and gut are telling you. The brain is usually quick to jump in to offer advice, solutions or criticisms. But if you’re quiet, you can hear the heart whisper while the gut also sends its signals – from butterflies to cramps to an unsettled stomach.
If you’re not able to get away at the moment, then simply notice your everyday reactions to people and things. I was getting snappy, overly emotional, sometimes operating on autopilot/tuning out. These for me were very clear signs that I had exceeded my limits, of both my body and mind.
So this autumn I have started doing things differently:
*I say no when I automatically say yes (this is hard for me as a people pleaser with ADHD and high sensitivity) but it’s made the world of difference to set clear boundaries around my time and energy both at work and at home
*I’ve created clear priorities and reduced all non-essentials (coming off social media for several months has freed up a lot of headspace and brought clarity and calm to my life that benefits both my business and my children)
*I’ve made time for much more meditation in my life (I now meditate several times a day whenever I feel anxiety or overwhelm creep up)
*I’ve reduced my hobbies in order to free up time to be with my children (this may not apply to every mum but for me who likes to do a million hobbies at once, it was vital for me to reduce my time commitments so that I can better support my neurodivergent daughter)
*I’ve sought and found the right coaches to help me on my journey (remember, it takes a village and as humans, we cannot achieve happiness, peace and success on our own!)
If any of this has resonated with you and you’re in need of some coaching to help you through your own wellness journey, get in touch for a free discovery call. As a Transformation Life Coach and NLP Practitioner, I not only have access to powerful tools to gently guide you but I have been where you are now and understand what you are going through.
Until then,
Caroline