Last weekend I had a timely reminder that there’s so much more to me than my ADHD and that thriving is possible. This is not about super powers but rather connecting to the deeper part of us that has more in common with other humans than not. Read on to learn more about the Hoffman Process.
Eleven years ago I took part in a 7-day self-development programme. I wasn’t quite sure what I had signed up to but my life coach at the time politely suggested we could no longer work together and that I should do the Hoffman Process to heal my childhood wounds. And so I did. Not just for myself but to become the loving, caring mother that I wanted to be to my then 20-month-old daughter.
It was incredibly intense, featuring long days and short breaks. And all the usual ways of self-soothing were removed: phone, exercise, alcohol. At times I felt incredibly vulnerable and nervous to share my deepest, darkest secrets with a room full of strangers. But the facilitators created such a safe, non-judgemental space, that I found myself gradually opening up more and more.
There was writing, drawing, journalling, bashing our dark side, getting to know our parents as children, burning letters, and starting to understand how to become whole: by integrating our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self in what is known as the Quadrinity in Hoffman language.
If this sounds like woo-woo to some of you, it most definitely is not. There is a lot of science behind everything, from the theme that the “body expresses what the mind represses” to self-compassion. Those familiar with the works of Gabor Mate, Bessel van der Kolk and Kristin Neff will be well aware of this. The Hoffman Process is well-thought-out and curated. In fact every single moment is carefully planned to take you on a journey towards self-compassion and forgiveness. Ultimately you’ll operate with healthier and happier habits, thoughts and feelings.
During the 7 days I went from crying, to screaming, to softening and opening up in a way that I’ve never done before and probably never will again. The smaller group work enabled a deep connection which was much more powerful than any other 1-1 therapy I had ever had (and I’ve had quite a lot).
As the week progressed, I felt lighter. And if you think Hoffman is all about deep, serious sh*t, you’ll be happy to know that there is plenty of playfulness, dancing and laughter because that is partly how we counteract the negative stuff. That is how we engage our inner child. And that’s how we become whole.
I repaired and restored two important relationships after taking part in the original Hoffman Process all those years ago: that with my father and that with my sister. For that I’m eternally grateful.
But as with many things in life, even though I kept using a few of the tools, and stayed connected to the Hoffman community, new challenges surfaced and I found myself ruled by my dark side and constant negative self-talk. So I decided that enough was enough and signed up to the Q2 which is a 3-day Hoffman refresher.
And I’m so glad I did. Because having a late diagnosis of ADHD was one of the things I wanted to bring to this refresher. I had become obsessed with ADHD and in the process, I had forgotten about my spiritual self, that part of me that contains my best qualities, and that isn’t dominated by my mind, or a slave to my body, or ruled by my inner child.
On the last day of this refresher, we were doing a partner exercise and when I said to my partner that I’m calm, I’m curious, I’m compassionate, I’m connected, I truly meant it. I didn’t feel hyperactive, impatient or overwhelmed – some of my more common ADHD states. But I felt at peace with myself and those around me.
This is what the Hoffman community, tools and wonderful facilitators help to bring about. By creating a safe, welcoming, caring and non-judgemental space, my nervous system relaxed and I was finally able to see myself beyond my ADHD.
As I stood up to share about the special object I brought along to the refresher and what I was taking with me, I realised that my goal had become very simple: to Think, Speak and Act from a place of Love rather than Fear. Does that solve all my day-to-day challenges? No, of course not. But it fundamentally changes how I relate to them, and that in itself changes my energy.
And as the saying goes: We cannot change another person, only ourselves. But when we change, we invite the other person to change too.
The refresher reminded me that deep connection, using tools that really work, guided with expertise and care, in a beautiful, safe natural setting have the power to heal us, and to move well beyond a diagnosis and label.
The Hoffman Process isn’t for the faint-hearted. You need to be ready for it and engage fully. There are many elements of surprise that those of us who have done it don’t share publicly, as it would spoil the process for others. But I hope this write-up has given you a flavour of what it is about. I couldn’t recommend it more highly.
As I returned to London earlier this week and headed straight for a planned tooth extraction, I surprised my dentist by being unusually calm and composed (channelling my spiritual self, of course). I just told him I now have some more tools in my toolbox.
Caroline